to the cleaning lady at benito juárez international airport
i had a grandmother who loved me once / maybe / i am searching for her everywhere / even before a flight / back home / to the house she died in / she is the ghost / i look for in the living / in your ginger coils / i see her white ones / the same plastic bucket / you hold aloft / to avoid the splash / sloshing its fullness / to the floor / your mop with thick, long locks / like melting snow & mud / & heavy as a head of hair / even the earrings / gold hooks hanging / from the lobes of your ears / remind me of her jewelry box / how she beckoned me / to her bedroom / every birthday / to gift a ring or necklace / from its velvet gums / i wore each one once / then lost them / or covered the gemstones in dust / i kept my mouth shut / even when my mother asked / looking up / i ask my father to translate / the spanish words threaded in white / down your spine / where it says / cleanliness is an act of discipline / (see: code of behavior / regiment / direction) / es una expresa de amor y respectó / (see: esteem / regard / admire) / i swallow it / & think of how i used to be loved / am i still grandmother’ed / if i only have one? / i want to believe it / rather than an act of servitude / of hurting heels / & bended back / eyes lowering when another / enters a room / perhaps it is neither / perhaps it is both / but if this is love / i picture your heart in the soap / a beating, bloody thing / cradled by bubbles & suds / your lungs sitting / on the spot you just mopped / shoe prints already appearing / a stand-in yellow sign calling cuidado / a warning both tender & sharp / like a soft slap on the wrist / how my grandmother growled it / when she saw me / running / sock-slipping on the floor in the dark / you smell like sundays at our house / like all of mexico / disinfectant & bleach / purple-bottled fabuloso foam / diluted with water / & thrown in buckets to the street / you come closer / smile with eyes / i can’t remember the color of / but i notice you’ve become blonde / in this light / she had the same hair once / & scoliosis from bending over too much / being the last to sit down / to eat / to pray / i don’t want to be a woman / always looking down at her feet / i wish i’d asked for your name / please / i hope you go home early today / treat yourself to a warm bath / scented with oils & fruit / soak your hips in the water / return to a spouse / willing to massage / the meat of your feet / i wish i’d told her so / before she left me / moving through the world mourning / & seeing the dead in every emptiness / maybe / i’m trying / to clean her out of me / free my mind of her memories / even though she’s made my heart a home / come / scrub away at this bruise / the aching / the burning / the blue.