Bad Habits

3 Mar

I don’t see your name on the top of my inbox,

So I scroll down to your name--,

A bashful smile sketches itself on my face,

Thinking of all the crude jokes I unconsciously made,

To hide my true intentions since I’ve been afraid,

Hoping my feelings for you will fade,

Then I send a reel I saved for you,

I feel an unexplainable rush, like the feeling you get right before a roller coaster drops when I see you react,

I’ve fastened myself onto an emotional ride that will eventually send me falling,

A feeling of euphoria takes over me and I reply within seconds,

Though I know it’s been an hour since you’ve left me on seen,

You are like a drug that slowly poisons me,

I’ve been stuck in this spiral before and many have given me words of advice,

Eventually, each of my loved ones turned out to be my rehabilitation center,

Yet I never sought anything from their free therapy,

But because I never got what I wanted I’ve never seen recovery,

In due course, the side effects will hit me so I brace myself for facing hell again,

I know by the time I reach the end of the ride and when the night changes,

Your chat will be miles away to scroll but I’ll never be tired,

When the morning sickness hits me and there are messages from other girls in your inbox,

My brain will wire me to our previous chats, hoping you’ll see what I have,

I want to unfasten myself from this roller coaster and stop this addiction!

Is there a permanent solution to prevent me from injecting doses of your charm into me?

I refuse to rise to darkness and my best friend’s sobs,

I face a downhill spiral: drops spill from the injection, drops flow from my eyes

Amid my glee, I unconsciously overdose myself,

How do I get you out of my recent chats?

Do I have to block your account or do I have to block my impulsive thoughts?

With the remaining unimpaired nerve cells and unburst alveoli,

I beg you with a raspy voice, “Please release me from this ride,”

Please vanish from my recent chats as effortlessly as you entered.

This poem was previously published on The Cleverly Creatives

Anandi Gunda

Heartbeat