Poetry
poetry is not a luxury. It is a vital necessity of our existence ~ Audre Lorde
I will not swallow the mothballs you try to feed me
I am at my softest physically and mentally
and that makes some people uncomfortable
(with themselves).
Statues of aphrodite reveal that the goddess of beauty and love
had some meat on her bones, as do I,
but I know I am not the West’s ideal type.
Maybe that’s why I’m not allowed to take up more space.
Maybe that's why I’m given less room to wiggle in.
My ass and tits have grown a bit
when it happened; I didn't realize that it was sacrilege.
I wonder what Taino deity represents beauty. I wonder what she looks like.
Is her hair long? Does she view herself as a her? Does she think she is beautiful? Or does that assessment come from others? Does she even care for beauty? Or is it just a known part of her?
I’ve gone through a metamorphosis and came out the other end thicker.
Who says the caterpillar must become a butterfly?
Maybe I’m a moth.
I like my softness, it makes me sturdier, and don’t we all need some padding
from the beatings of this world
from the beating of our own hearts
from the beating of the drums that tells you to get back up.
The butterfly is drawn to the flower.
I am drawn to the light
in the darkness.
BLOOD SUCKING SUCCUBUS
You’ve stuffed my heart with empty words
Fatten and full, ripe for picking.
You’ve eaten the hearts of all those before me
But you won’t eat mine.
You’ve bitten, nibble, sucked,
No more than a mouthful
But you won’t fill your belly on me.
Find someone else to roll over,
Crack open their ribs and feast on their soul
Fill your desolate tank of broken hearts,
But you won't get mine.
Not over my dead body
Or my blood-fattened heart.
PENT UP
I wanna rip every fingernail out from beneath
my skin and stick metal screws in their place
I wanna throw punches through a wall
with the temperament of a white man
as I watch the nail slow jam their
way further into my finger, so I’ll
Have a reason.
All I need is a reason.
I wanna slice open my skin and pull back
Each layer of fat and a muscle, rummage
Through each tendon until I find the veins I’ve never seen
glow through the first layer of my skin
And pluck at my veins until my heart stops,
So I’ll have a reason.
All I need is a reason.
I wanna rip my jaw clean off my skull
then people will finally fucking listen to me.
MARIGOLDS
“You’re worth more than marigolds” but less than your shoes. Footprints left on the petals of my skin and the roots of my mind. Brittle and bruised, picked and used by you. Absent of any light or hope, I’ll wait for you. After all you put me through, I’ll wait for you. You planted yourself next to my self-worth and shouted “Pick me, pick me”. As soon as I took you back, you bruised me. A wilted flower in a pretty garden, no one will want me.
I. won’t. wither.
When my husband turned 70
They gave him a cane carved
with the body
of the red-winged sparrow.
I was left
with dried lily petals
melting into my tongue
as I peeled
hardened skins of summer
grapes beneath my fingernails.
When my husband turned 75
He brought a dancing girl home.
Her name sounded like
"Red-tipped carnation of the West Wind"
She plucked the seeds out of
spring strawberries
with slender twin fingers.
When my husband turned 80
He filled my bowels with
cheap white wine
and forced me to sleep with
alley-way cats.
I shared a feast
of rotting salmon and fishbone
with the blind black
tiger.
When my husband died
Our son carried me upon his back
to the Forest of One Thousand Whispers
He set me beneath the eldest oak
Kissed my spotted cheek and
bade me a tearless farewell.
Still,
My legs entwine
with the roots of the
great Oak, my fingers take the flight
of ten thousand cerulean
swallows
My lips form the
babbling brook of the east meadow
as my eyes turn to
seaglass
beneath unturned stones.
I. won't. wither.
The Fireflies Sing Tonight
Murmurs hum in the thick August air like the
beating of a bumblebee's heart, the invisible
orchestra's cadence drawing the final curtain upon
the fox's tail cradling an orange sun.
Mother runs through the auburn fields, coal-colored
braids trailing in the wind. Her weathered hands carry a
tin pot, where she drops moonstones, bluebonnets and
lovebugs in a concoction of sap — "Honeypot tricks," she calls them.
As the sky becomes swatched with indigo hues and
black clouds, I take a wooden spoon and clang it against
Mother's honeypot. The fireflies come to feast upon her offerings
and, in return, show me the path to the city.
Twinkling lights dot the skyline as jazz beyond the bayou
shakes the earth beneath the soles of my feet. Coca-Cola lines
stretch around the curb as ladies in black sequins and
smoky pearls enter golden doors under neon lights. Boys
and girls in summer shorts & pinstripe tees chase the sparks
of orange fireworks.
I follow them but they are lost in cobblestone storefronts. Busboy
caps line the streetlamps as newspaper rags form coats of steel along the
brick walls of alleyways. A man with broken teeth who looks like me
asks, "Got a quarter for me, Missy?" but the fireflies ignore him and fly on.
I sequester myself in a silent theater as a piano crescendo
collides with the rainstorm brewing outside. The movie
begins to play, and I begin to cry for Mother.
Sacred ground
What is sacred ground?
Is it a ground steeped in rituals —
poured libations penetrating earth
finding routes to ancestors and memory?
Is it a place that holds the dead
or once-dead?
Is it a place where spirits walk
haunted by the irreverent nature
of those with flesh and bone ?
Is this body a sacred ground?
Does it remain sacred if others
have exploited,
treated it like a mining ground
emptied it of treasures,
planted seeds of death –
Left it hollow?
Is this body still hallowed
if no one is there to say a prayer
for its healing?
(my tongue has found no language yet for healing words)
If ancestors don’t hear it’s cries
to find their way back
to this body
to gift it flight
and
grounding.
Is this body still sacred ground if it’s not seen?
The grief eater
When my grandfather died
I thought my world would end.
My grandmother, teary eyed
And shaky voiced, said to me
“You wished it was me
they laid in that casket, nuh true?”
I, eyes swollen and tongue heavy
from biting back words, let loose
“He should be here with me now
He should not be the one
Who wanders through these rooms
formless and untouchable.”
I did not wait to watch her tears fall;
I never thought she could cry.
She let a choke-sound escape
but she hit her chest twice
then swallowed loudly
and walked briskly away.
Years on years would fly by and
grief became a muted song
But my words to her would remain
gnawing at my tender heart.
When her memory began to fail,
I prayed my grief-spurned words
disappeared into the abyss like
the fact that the story she was
telling me was about the tenth
telling in half hour or less.
I spread “I love you” (and meant it) over our conversations, like a blanket.
I prayed she held those so close
That even in her now formless state
It warms her and reminds her
Of the little girl she loved so fiercely
that she attempted to take her grief
And hurt and swallow it whole.
My body in your mouth
Baby fat:
To my mother you say:
she cute eeh,
watch har likkle chubby cheeks
and chunky thighs
I could just love har up.
I coo and smile, not understanding.
Pickney tings:
To my mother you say:
yuh never breastfeed har enough,
look how she look malnourished,
mawga bad bad; look how she tough?
I look down at skinny legs,
skinny, strong legs,
skinny, strong, brown legs
that let me run from boys who want to touch what’s not theirs
that lift me up into trees that girls
shouldn’t climb
that make me keep in step with
my granddad’s long strides.
I was confused.
Force ripe:
To my mother you say:
pickney nuh fi get breast so soon
smaddy must a feel dem up;
go get har checked out –
mark my words.
I look down at the bumps
raised higher than welts
nipples protruding beyond the swells
my tears rolled off them
like waterfalls over mountains.
I do not understand my body’s changing
I do not want this change
I squeeze them like pimples
they do not burst
but keep growing like
ripened fruits upon my chest.
I do not understand this change in my body.
Grown:
To me you say:
When di baby due? Di belly look round eeh.
A hope a nuh girl pickney yuh going have –
dem gi too much trouble fi raise.
I look down at my belly
empty of womb –
the site of life
and death.
I look at its softness
the rolls that shake
when I belly laugh
the joy that bubbles up and can’t be contained
the rolls that shake when I dance
when no one’s looking
the rolls that lovers hang on
to for dear life
when riding that high wave.
I smile,
I understand.
my body
that holds me up
it brings me joy
and pain in equal measure
it is a source of beauty
and shame
But it deserves to be loved
every inch of it
deserves all the sweet
and empowering things to be whispered over it
etched on it like a mural.
I reach over to you
I part your lips,
gently at first
(you are surprised)
I put my fingers in
then my hand
I grip firmly on to your tongue
and rip my beautiful body from
your mouth
I understand:
my body has no home there –
there with its putrid lies.
I leave you tongue-less and bloody
grabbing at your throat
missing the way
my body used to sit in your mouth.
The Love Story of our Friendship
Where do I begin…you promised to be here for me to the end… you have seen the good, the bad and the ugly… but you never made me feel less than and felt that you were above me. I remember when we first met, we talked about all our hopes and dreams… but whenever I felt doubtful you always reminded me that my dreams are never as far as they may seem.
You seen me laugh… you seen me cry… you have seen all of my faces and different sides… you always seem to bring me out of my shell… but also create a safe place for me to tell my deepest thoughts and secrets in which you promise never to tell… you know when I have the tendency to put up walls… but I don’t have to be scared with you by my side because you’ll catch me every time I fall… you wipe away my tears from all the pain of it all.
This world would be harder to deal with if I didn’t have you in my life… if we never would have met it would have been a harder fight... but I love you and you mean so much that I’ll always hold you tight… even in the darkest of times you always seem to find the light… make me feel alright… I have so much love for you that no amount of words can describe… thank you so much for being my ride or die.
Escape From Your Heart
It’s hard for you to have your feelings for me escape from your heart… you felt your world change when I got on a different plane to depart… that’s when you started to fall apart… not to a different location, but we aren’t in the same place… you felt like another person would be able to take my place… we’re moving at a different pace… now you fell flat on your face and looking for saving grace.
The way that I made your heart feel with an abidance of emotion… you took for granted my time and devotion… but soon you’ll realize that I’m never coming back and you’ll wish to have a magi potion, to beg for my return… now those tears you cry actually burn.
You can’t escape the impact that I had on your life… now you feel alone because you lost the fight… now you feel the pain you caused, each and every slice… the weight that held me down, now I’m free to fly high like a kite… now you’re left with the bill to pay the price.
You Read Me Like Poetry
The way you read me is like no other… you read all of my pages and didn’t stop at the cover… it’s as if when you read me, you don’t just see black and white but hues of every color… then you add your words of affirmation and it makes my heart flutter… you even read my imperfections and error without a stutter.
You’re really good at reading in between the lines… how you don’t judge the limits that I don’t define… maybe you don’t always understand my rhymes… what they try to describe, but you always try to understand me from a different pair of eyes.
Poetry is an art that varies from person to person… but you always choose to read mine… so in that case I’ll continue to be poetry that you read, I know you’ll always have the time.
Our Unheard Screams
Do you know that plants can be in pain too?
Do you know that they scream and send out distress signals?
Do you know that they too, like us, can feel?
It was true.
But I wasn't talking only about plants.
I was also talking about you,
and me.
About us who have learnt to cry in silence.
About us who have learnt how to bite our tongue for the sake of maintaining peace.
About us who have learnt to dig our nails to our palms than to claw at other's faces.
About us who have learnt to hold the anger within us and silently burn ourselves from within than to sear at another's skin.
Tell me,
have you grown tired yet?
Tired of screaming for help but get nothing but a sore throat.
Tell me,
have you grown tired yet?
Tired of explaining yourself but still, get nothing but blame.
Tell me,
have you grown tired yet?
Tired of bending over backwards to please, yet still expected to do more.
I am.
I am, in fact, tired.
Let's plan our way out shall we?
Maybe we can build a little cottage somewhere in the forest.
Maybe we can live in peace, surrounded with the things we love.
Or maybe,
Let's stop and look around.
Try to listen to those cries.
To the cries that came from others who are just like us.
Let's try listening,
maybe one day someone will listen to us too.
by MG
Happiness Hurts
They say happiness feels like the warmth of daylight seeping in through your skin. Embracing your bones, and turning your heart into a mushy puddle of delight.
They say happiness is yellow.
Bubbly and bright.
They say happiness smells like cookies and cupcakes, and a plethora of flowers blooming between the butterflies in your stomach.
They say happiness is the laughter and smiles you share with your loved ones.
Lingering. Heartwarming.
If so…
Then I never knew this thing called happiness at all.
To me, happiness felt like a dream trapped in a distant screen.
Like the reflection of the moon upon the still water surface.
Visible.
Impossible to touch.
Like scraping a rock with your nails desperate to feel.
Close.
Impossible to accomplish.
You will only be left with blood and mangled fingers.
You will only be left with an aching heart and a hollow chest.
How wretched.
It was merely another thing outside my grasp.
Exist to tempt.
Impossible to get.
by MG
Doll House
Did you enjoy sitting around with empty cups of teas and dolls and friends only you can see?
To be someone you're not.
A princess, perhaps.
Hosting tea parties.
A sovereign over the imaginary.
Playing with puppets.
Our will is their will.
More sugar, more tea.
The party isn't over until I say it's over.
Smile, smile.
Be grateful.
You enjoy this as much as I.
Even when you do not.
How many of you realise you're the puppet now?
Do you enjoy sitting around with empty cups of dreams and promises and friends only benefits hold near?
To be someone you're not.
A commoner, perhaps.
Working towards a goal.
A glorified slave of the unseen.
Playing with your life.
Their will is your will.
More trials, more suffering.
The play isn't over until they say it's over.
Smile, smile.
Be grateful.
We enjoy this as much as they.
Even when we do not.
How many of us realise we're just dolls in a house?
Shh…
silent.
We’re not supposed to see beyond the stage.
Do not question.
Do not seek.
Smile, smile.
My dear.
by MG
for chris
– te quiero
gvgeyui
aloha wau ʻiā ʻoe –
with all of my heart,
i say this (i love you).
i wish i could tell you that.
well, technically, i can –
you’re only a phone call away,
the matter of dialing 10 digits
with my trembling fingers –
but still,
i cannot produce the courage
in my heart
to admit my emotions to you,
and you’re not helping by what you do;
playing that music you know i like while you drive & i ride,
the way you rock those aviators across those deep, engrossing brown eyes,
forget your smile –
it can bring the most decayed flowers back to life.
boy,
you are something.
folks know me to run a little wild,
talk smart & loud, with a smile –
but when i’m around you,
i can’t seem to open my mouth,
and when i do,
i feel like my heart is going to jump out
and run into the clouds,
because you’re just above them –
you are like the illusion they call heaven.
i love you, like people do,
i want to pass the gates and enter your heart, like people yearn to do,
and i believe in you and me being together,
in love, like people do.
i wonder –
am i just a big, stupid ‘ol fool?
by M. S. Blues
The Things We Bury
Hold it!
Bury it deep inside the earth at the back of your house.
The ground will welcome it, wrap it in its moist embrace,
in soil made wet by the rain.
Work quickly!
They are only out for a moment, you may use your hands if you want,
When you are done, retreat from the sunlight.
No!
Don’t turn your back to it…back away, nimble.
You may breathe once you reach safety.
Now my Dear, you are clean.
peppermint
melancholy lingers
like the itch that oppresses dry skin.
christmas spirit is the air,
so there’s no time for frowns and despair,
only smiles and jolly tones,
exhibits throughout the year that are rare.
yet, i can’t help but feel sad,
drown in the lingering melancholy.
for someone like me,
i guess it’s inevitable, really.
i suck on one of those peppermint mints,
while everyone else has fun,
the little aftertaste burns a cut that’s on my gum.
i whimper,
and the melancholy i feel deepens.
sadness is inevitable during the holidays, i told you.
by M.S. Blues
The Clit and the Ears
My clit doesn't function
and never will,
for it’s not down there it grows
but in my ears,
my alter vaginas, the real ones
who know better to take thousands of lovers.
Nothing needs coming in,
not even an earbud
brushes.
Good chords suffice
with the right beat.
Out, out, bloody mucus, bloody men.
Better fuck my Music
than fuck myself up yet again.
This poem has also been published in Tentacle Poetry Vol. 2, a quarterly poetry zine published by Peel Street Poetry, Hong Kong, in October 2021.